The Homer

I’m not usually so into web memes (though I’ll confess I was a sucker for that musical baton), and I’m even less into cars, so when this “What if you could have a free automobile of your choice?” thing crossed my inbox the other day, I glazed over it initially. I’d be remiss to disappoint my favorite Texan, though, so I thought about it and decided that my car would have to be a Homer.

A steal at $82,000, The Homer is powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball, not to mention packed with features that are so snazzy, they’ll never go out of style. Tail fins, bubble domes, shag carpeting, and so much more!

• A cup holder that can accommodate one of those Super-Slurpers from the Kwik-E-Mart

• A horn which sounds “La Cucaracha” and can be activated from three different places (since you can never find a horn when you’re mad)

• A separate bubble dome for the kids, with optional restraints and muzzles

There simply is not another car in its class.